Can a BDSM dynamic develop when one partner is vanilla? I was chatting in Yahoo IM with a very submissive man, and he asked a question that made me think!
His Question
How do u think a relationship/scenario goes between 2 people when they are not into bdsm other than during play time? In other words, they are a traditional couple but adventurous enough to do some bondage and more kink. Isn’t it fake? Like just play? I ask because I have found a girl friend who is vanilla, and wonder how to be submissive only in the bedroom.
The True & Real Submissive
Creating a BDSM Dynamic
I personally do not think it is fake. It would be a certain BDSM or D/s dynamic. As an example, jack and I are in a female led relationship, and our foundation is BDSM, but we still have FUN and just enjoy each other as people. The BDSM stuff is private to us, and if I point in a grocery store he knows to get it. It is not an outward show.
There is nothing wrong with loving the sensations kink play can bring, and just playing that way with an otherwise normal, vanilla relationship! We all need to do what we feel is right for us and our dynamic! And there are SO many dynamics!
Not everyone likes or wants to be in a 24/7 D/s relationship, nor do all people who like kinky sex identify as dominant or submissive.
Submit to your partner!
Take your submission OUT of the Bedroom!
If you find yourself in a relationship with a great woman who is not a Domme like you want, but she is the right woman, you will find ways to submit to her even if she is totally vanilla. And you will feel the satisfaction from that secret submission.
Be Submissive to your Vanilla Partner
You need to amp up YOUR submission and grow inside! You need to be in service TO her! That is on you as her submissive, especially if you identify as strongly submissive! You can’t make a vanilla woman Domme in a few months, but you CAN become even MORE submissive to her immediately! Cook her dinners, serve her, clean up after her.
Never masturbate. Let her initiate and control your sex life. You may be in chastity by will for a while!
Foot and Leg Worship
Learn what she likes, and make it part of your routine! Give her manis or pedis, and learn new skills she likes.Maybe learn how to clean and do laundry her way. Write her poetry, give her the TV remote and the choice of TV shows. Sit at her feet, not with her on the couch, and shine her shoes or rub her feet. Worship your Goddess!
Be in total service to her because that is who and what you are deep at your core! Sometimes the submissive helps to teach the Domme, and this can lead to a powerful dynamic in the relationship!
My favorite line in this post was the one where You state that not everyone who enjoys kink in the bedroom is either Dominant or submissive by nature. That’s why I like the term “lifestyle Dominant/submissive”. The other thought Your post evoked was that I think many people think that a D/s dynamic is about the submissive doing a lot of work, when in truth, being the dominant in the relationship is a great deal of work and responsibility as well. Not everyone wants to have to work in their relationship 24/7, whether Dominant or submissive. Great post!
Mistress Delia,
It was a pleasure to speak with you yesterday! I look forward to the training I think!!!
I would highly recommend you to anyone that might have a question of your skills.
My best,
~mer mer
Good day Mistress! I just wanted to say thank you for your time and let anyone else know you are well worth your attention!
~mer mer
Thanks, sissy mer mer!
I enjoyed you performing for Ms. Cassandra and me!
Thanks again, sissy mer mer!
🙂 Love the recommendation.
Ms. Rachel!!
I so totally agree! I am the Domme in my marriage, and it IS a lot of work and responsibility! What a great comment you have made! I hope that makes many think! 🙂
Ms. Delia
I absolutely respect the effort that the dominant puts into a D/s relationship. I personally think it might be harder to be in the dominant role opposed to submissive but it usually doesn’t hurt as much physically!!! It is however a balance of the relationship and what you seek. With all jokes aside I agree with the thread content.
~mer mer
True, mer mer sissy!
It does need to be a balance, but use you as an example. To get you where you need to be, Ms. Cassandra and I are going to have to do a LOT of work to polish you up! Behave!
I will behave and look forward to your training. You will get respect from me and response as to how I feel about things to help us move forward!
~mer mer
I’m glad You thought so, Miss Delia!
Cheers!
Thank You Mistress Delia for yet another thought provoking topic. i do love and learn much from so many of Your blogs. This one in particular had two trains of contemplation going for me.
The first was Your ideas on how to move kink out of the bedroom, from play to lifestyle, in response to Your chat mates question. i loved Your suggestions for how to be demonstrate submission in none sexual ways, if a 24/7 lifestyle is the desired end state. i believe communication is also essential as the two partners negotiate turn ons(and offs), limits and boundaries, and fantasies of how they see their roles changing in this new dynamic.
The other was Your mention of the term “vanilla”. We all have our own personal reference to what this term means, and i dare say it is very different for all of us. i just want to say since i lost my virginity, i have always loved vanilla sex. Now that doesn’t mean that is all i like.
When i read Your usage of a vanilla describing a partner, ice cream flavors came to mind. Vanilla is such a versatile flavor. Now there is plain vanilla, French vanilla, and vanilla bean (wish there was a Greek vanilla). Then You can enhance it in so many wonderful ways by adding toppings for a myriad of sundaes; sprinkle on some nuts; add fruit or compote; whipped cream; or cherries; even other flavors of ice cream; to make deliciously satisfying treats (like banana splits). And then i thought of all the different candies, cookies, dough, and such that You can stir in to create a whole new flavor. All beginning with just a simple scoop of plain vanilla and using Your imagination and a few readily available commodities for a myriad of delectable treats. Vanilla sex…we must start somewhere. Yes Mistress, i do still love vanilla on occasions. i just wonder if it is the base for my current favorite flavor of spumoni?
Spumoni, indeed!! 🙂
Vanilla is fun, but so are add ins! Hee hee! Why am I suddenly in the mood for ice cream??
Sounds good to me, mer mer!
I know you will do well with training!
Oh my goodness! So much win! This is a great post and there are so many wonderful ideas here! It’s funny, you’d think the submissives would have figured this out by now. It’s so simple. Service to her in any and all ways! And you are so right, she doesn’t have to know, necessarily. She’ll just think she won the boyfriend lottery!
Ms. Delia ~ I love this post. We often have different “flavors” in our lives. I love the suggestion of finding ways to be submissive on your own. I love discovering ways to be fulfilling. I think in being true to one’s submissive nature you can set the tone of the D/s relationship – even with a vanilla partner. I agree with Miss Courtney she might just think she won the BF lottery and will probably never settle for less.