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BDSM Breakup

A BDSM Breakup

From time to time things happen in a BDSM relationship where one person, Dominant or submissive must end the relationship. Handled well this ending can bring wonderful closure and feelings of respect and value to each party. Handled poorly, one or the other could be damaged, even hurt. I want to show an example of a poor way so you know the difference.

How to Break up With a Submissive POORLY

Let’s be hypothetical and say Mistress and sub have been involved regularly online, taking a break when one or the other had an illness, work conflicts, etc, about once a week for over 2 years. Regular protocols were established. Sub had a contract and a collar, and had turned over sexuality to be controlled totally. Toys and other items were purchased by the submissive. Scenes were intense.

Imagine getting this email with no more explanation…

Because of an issue, I do not think I will be able to continue with you further. I am incredibly sorry to have to do this, but I feel it is necessary. You have done nothing wrong, but the time has come when this no longer is viable for me. I am sad that this has ended. It’s ended. None of the end is your fault, but any further contact other than non-sexual emails will end up disrupting my home life. Therefore I must release you from service. Please be well in all things. You are a good soul.

Fuck that, right? Bad, right? I think anyone reading this blog could see how a submissive could be hurt, no…devastated by this. Something like this could fracture a person severely. This is a BAD BDSM Breakup!

Breaking off a BDSM Relationship Well

If you can meet, do so. Explain why things must end, especially if there is a contract that states this type of thing. If a meeting is not practical, take time to talk, and answer questions. Even a Domme needs feedback. A submissive really does need some hand-holding. No matter what, make sure to end things carefully. A BDSM relationship, even one online, that has gone on for years is something incredibly valued, special, and important.

No matter what, HONOR those years of loyalty, and leave both information and answers to any questions like the following:

So I can masturbate freely now?

Ok, so no more errands plugged and clamped?

Do I need to throw away my collar?

What should I do with the symbolic blanket?

I feel blindsided and hurt can you talk me through it?

See what I mean? Honoring a person’s service means you take the time to go over any questions so no damage is done.

A Personal Note about a BDSM Breakup

You may have guessed that this is a little more than informational. It is. A friend of mine in the fetish community was broken up this way and is absolutely devastated and crushed.

I am writing this because I know the dominant (no caps as this person in my mind is not anyone I would EVER call a dominant) reads my blog from time to time. I am disgusted, and invite this person to feel free to email me or comment. Not much angers Ms. Delia but hurting a friend of mine. Boom.

4 comments to BDSM Breakup

  • Kneelcc

    You know Mistress, so many of Your blogs inspire introspection and reflection that lead to fond strolls down precious memory lane. This is not one of those topics for me. It was just over five years ago that i got a text message from my Mistress simply saying “I need a break from us. I’ll let you know when you may contact me again.” Then, absolute silence.
    Devastated is an understatement. Despondant, worthless, hopeless, and worse is where She left me.

    This subject still causes immense fear and trepidation. Even after four years of weekly counselling sessions and anti-depressants it still evokes an unpleasant visceral response of the highest magnitude.

    You, and a select few others, in my BDSM community have been most patient and nurturing in helping me alter my self perception back to the point where i can, after collars, contracts, and perpetual support allow me to breach the self constructed battlements of fear of another rejection.

    Thank You for being patient with me in regaining my ability to start trusting again and caring for me when i couldn’t care for myself.

    i do know i will be polyamorous for the rest of my life and can never again give any one person the power to destroy me again.

    Thanks for accepting me and all my baggage as a unique treasure worthy of now being Your collared one.

  • Ms. Delia,

    I could not have said this better.

    When I was a submissive, I had both experiences: negative and positive. When the negative occurred, it sent me into therapy for as long as our D/s relationship lasted. (‘Nuff said.)

    The positive release… not just “we’re breaking up,” but “I am releasing you from your commitment to me,” was not a one time moment in time, but evolved from the release to the Dom answering my questions for the next few months. I worried that I had pushed Him away, that I had done something to make Him angry, that maybe I was not a “real” submissive after all. The Dom was so loving and gentle with me, cradling me with His words, that I was able to cry, journal and heal far quicker than I had when the dom just dumped me.

    Now, as a Domme, I know, first-hand, how to release a submissive if/when that action ever comes in a relationship.

    Slow, gentle, kind & respectful.

    I’m sending my gentle light to your friend, Ms. Delia. I hope she heals quickly.

  • Delia

    I think a person who thinks he or she is dominant, but does not understand the depth and impact of a D/s relationship would totally underestimate the intensity of ending things. I am glad you have healed, Ms. Daphne!! I am so glad you learned from this too.

    Ms. Delia

  • Delia

    Thank you, kneelcc for such a wonderful comment!

    I know the Mistress that let you go that way. You and I spoke of her a few times, but I am so glad Ms. Olivia, Ms. Daphne, Ms. Mandy, and I, along with some wonderful others like Ms. Erika have been able to help you rebuild your trust!! Collars and contracts are NOT little things, and should not just be handed out quickly.

    🙂 Mistress

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